This, coming from a self styled self-help trainer and sales professional may sound odd, but it is just the way I am. Over the years however I have learned to suppress this part of my character mainly because you can’t help people out, which is my true calling, if you don’t like to talk to them! So, although I am not the best socializer in the world, I love public speaking and enjoy the company of others… go figure!

This part of my character, however troubling I have found it, has it’s advantages. I don’t suffer fools, I speak my mind and I let people know how I feel, good or bad. You could say I wear my heart on my sleeve. Some are not so lucky.

Many people have their dreams in life squashed by the need to constantly please people. You may be one of them. You may be an independent, successful person with a mind of your own but still have the subconscious desire to please people, often to your own detriment.

Some people avoid conflict, agree with people around them all the time, change opinions to ‘fit-in’,don’t speak their mind even when they have an opinion and subjugate their own needs to last in the queue. However, they may also manifest the frustration that being a pleaser causes by ‘blowing up’ over small issues.

How To Stop Being A People Pleaser

Calm Down and Talk

Learn to resolve conflict by talking. Conflict is one of those things that nobody likes and everybody experiences. People use many strategies to deal with conflict; Bullying, manipulating, arguing, becoming aggressive, guilt, fear and many others. These routes to a resolution are short lived. The only way to resolve conflict is to discuss and negotiate.

If you find yourself in a position of conflict, firstly, relax. This may not come to you straight away, my default state when conflict arose was ‘take it or leave it’. I had learned that people wanted to work with me and would not risk being out of the loop by disagreeing with me. It was a hugely damaging attitude. Now I relax, evaluate where the potential conflict is and talk about it.

I use several questions before I give answers. If being asked an aggressive question I will say “Why would you ask me that” or “I am not sure I understand the question”. You need to be able to understand fully where the conflict is coming from before you can negotiate. Asking these questions will give you time to think and time to calm down.

One of the benefits of resolving conflict is that we learn to honor ourselves in giving and receiving compassion as we learn what our needs are, what other’s needs are and how we can compassionately work together to meet all the needs of each particular situation.

Practice Speaking Your Mind

Speaking with honest communication is a massive gift to whom ever you are talking to, even if they don’t get it the first time around. Imagine a scenario where you know that your best friends girlfriend is cheating on your friend. You don’t want to tell them because the reaction will be bad, but they will appreciate you telling the truth in the end.

This is the guiding principal. Just tell the truth, tell it how it is. Try it. I have made many, many people upset with me because I don’t take any BS from them, I even expose the BS in some people’s businesses and way of approaching life, they don’t like it and a round of anonymous stuff goes onto the Web. Do not fear this, embrace it. I am here to take care of my family, my friends, those who work with me and those less fortunate than me, anybody who doesn’t like that can take a jump… I do not care about what they think or do.

Try adopting this thinking process for a week. Just concentrate on your family, your friends. Tel them the truth, let them know your feelings, and what you wnat out of life, you will be surprised at how supportive people close to you will be.

People Pleasers Are Not Bad People

You must realise that pleasing people is a gift that needs to be enhanced, not eradicate like it was a drug habit. Yes, spending all your life trying to please everyone is dangerous for you and mostly futile, so you should learn the things we talked about above. However, realise that somewhere deep down we are all wired to enjoy being kind and generous, it is a gift. You must learn where to draw the line, where pleasing people is being used a mechanism to avoid conflict, not a genuine show of generosity of spirit.

Regards
David
@TheMarketMaker